Thank you…
Thanks for the lessons. Thanks for the challenges. I will embrace them and conquer them all. Day by day. I will win. Thank you for every breath taken. Excited to climb the mountains. Get to the peak and touch the sky. Don’t be dramatic be romantic. Life is a bitch so stay charming. Keep pushing. Stay fly. Smell good. Stay true to yourself. Thanks. I found myself.
Peace & Love
Music that inspired gratitude: Drake “Get it together”, Rick Ross “Tears of Joy”
Accidentally on purpose
Good vibes
is just one way to say I love your energy
that I enjoy your company
the conversation is never lacking
not a single touch
but all those stolen glances
have me thinking of everything that could happen
just a hug
is a rush
blushed hot cheeks
you frighten me
but in the best way possible
so I do weird things
like put distance where it shouldn't be
afraid of my own actions
I give myself distractions
to avoid the intensity
of our chemistry
when realistically
it's exactly what I need
beneath the surface
accidentally on purpose
“Doing the Groundwork”
Been walking on my path for years
Now stuck at a stand still
Rotating in circles while surrounded
By doubts, anxiety, pride, and fears
Thought the mountain before this was the highest I had to climb
Now this one is even bigger so I’m trying to find
Any solution possible to not keep me behind
Can’t use the tools I used before
That’s the reason I’m stuck in this 360 still standing here
So instead of looking to the sky
At hopes, dreams, and wishes
I search deep within
Searching for light
Hunting for love
Rebuilding the strength within
Trusting I can find my way again
Head down, full weight on my pivot
Arms steady, ready for the take off
Tunnel vision, straight ahead
No obstacles, no ropes pulling my back
Can make me go against the grain
I still focus on sunshine even when there’s rain
Been held back from my future too long
Time for a full attack
Remembering to rest to reset get back on track
Cuz this time around things are different
Owe it to myself to make a difference
Come from humbled beginnings
So I now I work hard and smart until I reach my ending
Cuz no friend nor foe
Can drag me back to where I was before
Fighting harder than ever
To keep my foundation stronger than how it was long ago
“Mama mama, mentor”
Can see the look in her eyes
As she stares at me in adoration
Brings tears to my eyes how I inspire
Concentrating on my reflection
Lingering dark cloud that’s pressing
A issue I have inside, not against you.
How could I inspire anyone?
All these flaws, scars, facades, and masks
Do anything in the world to return to that innocence
Not a care in the world about trivial things the world brings now
Looked up to her, now you look up to me
And it’s breaking me down..
Always tell you be confident in yourself
But I don’t wear that crown
Still have rags of baggage sewn over my heart
Wondering why love can’t seem to find where to start
Would hate for you to feel this way!
So I sing you sweet lullabies of self-love, Independence and strength
Hoping your love for yourself
Will inspire me to do the same
Different age yet walking the same plane
Strutting in our truth
So to find mine Im helping you
God's Dream
Say this to yourself everyday.
IKNOWMYWORTH. IDESERVETOSUCEED. IAMENOUGH. Breathe. SMILE. THISISPARTOFTHEPROCESS.
Your vision will be tested. Daily. They cant fuck it up as long you believe in yourself. Prepare to rage against the machine. It wont be easy but it will be worth it. Wealth over rich.Don’t take anything personal. Be selfish.
Peace & Love
Music that inspired this feeling: Kanye West “Life of Pablo” Album, Nipsey Hussle “Ocean Views”
“Giving you your flowers now”
Looking at us now
I’m proud of how far we’ve come
Gone through many ups and downs
But I wouldn’t replace you with anyone
A bond like no other
Only we can understand
Placing titles on each other
Like home girl and friend
Yet deep in our hearts we know it’s much deeper
Haven’t seen sis in months
But I know she’s a keeper
So when I’m feeling low
She is who I run to
When I’m proud of something I’ve done
She’s the first person I call
When she has to vent about her man
For the 5th time again
She knows that she can call me
When she just needs a drink with a friend
“Bestfrieennddd just pull up on me”
Because she’s more than a friend
That’s like my sister
So no matter how far apart
My heart will never leave her
"Warrior"
Marinating in this moment
Taking it all in
Being at my low is showing me
Who I should call friend
For some the love changes
Got distant and became strangers
Others could hear my soul crying
And did everything they could
To break me from my anchor
Won’t use them as a crutch
Or an excuse to hold on to trauma
Appreciate their efforts
So I let go of unnecessary drama
Hold them dear to my heart
As I continue on my journey
Never letting how long we’ve been apart
Affect the fact you’ve always been there for me
Because even when you’re not here
I know the love is real
Can feel it in your energy when you speak to me
You always wanted me there
Even with my scars and projections
You’ve always been my protection
#SundaySessions
Wake up
Get to these digits
Move that pivet
You should watch the movie
In fact LIVE it
Fly out for a weekend
I see everything WE did has been copied
SCOREboard... bodied
Bitches named Karens and mollies
Sorry Mr. Holiness
I know Sunday’s are for blessings
How can you blame me
Her feet up Toes painted
Friends leaned back from the night before like they fainted
Don't mind them they just ghetto
We just some fellows
Rolling some cigarillos
Reliving last nite flexin
Riding no texting
Smiles and blunts
When you live it don't forget to stunt
Not for them, but for us
We have to feel alive
Mami spread ur wings
Mix the Red Bull with vodka
Yea u can fly too
Life can be sweet...but Don't forget to tweet it
Whatever comes out your mouth
Just mean it
Peace & Love
Who are you? Really?
Who are you? Really?
I ask myself this question everyday
Cause fitting into a box
Makes me feel some type of way
I am an entity that cannot be defined
There are parts of me that are accepted and parts that are declined
But as I grow through life I’m starting to realize
I am not one category of person
And as of now my direction may not be determined
But I can’t let that stop me
From clearing a path and trusting that God got me
Because to some I’m a hoe
And to others I’m an angel
Cause they know my soul
And don’t let opinions of others bring them to anger
To some I’m very articulate
And to others they just ain’t hearing it
So I change how I talk
So they can comprehend
I change the way they I walk in my world
So they can fit within
But when the tables turn
That’s when you learn
Who’s here for benefits
And who’s just here for the hell of it
A shoulder to lean on
Until they don’t need it no more
A place to confide in
Until they find new arms to hide in
And once they’ve got what they wanted
You’re just a bitch from their past that gave them some ass
But see me I’m different
No your name won’t be mentioned
But I still remember the way you used to listen
How my voice would crack and you could tell exactly what I was feeling
And maybe it just wasn’t the right time
Maybe later in the universe
Again our hearts will intertwine
But for now
I’ll let you run free
Find live in yourself
Instead of in someone else
So go bump yo Jill Scott and 50 cent
Blast your Juice World and Eminem
Sang yo Erykah and Ari Lennox
Spit that Cole and Kendrick
Shake yo ass to Megan
And pray to Lacrae
Cause no matter what you do honey
These pussy niggas gonna always feel some type of way
Ponce's King
Cannot built a kingdom in one day but we can lay the foundation
Born a sinner
From adolescent he was counted out
Starved from education
A diamond in the rough
Left to die
No time to give up
Dig deeper
Keep creating chances for yourself
Don’t take no for answer
Hold the Champagne
No time to celebrate
Have to make them pay with the sword
Live with no regrets
Protect your kingdom at all cost
Build your city from ruins to triumph
Now they look at you to lead them to the promised land
While everyone run from the storm
he swing his mighty sword under the rain
You can’t touch him
He was brought up by PAIN
Fatherless
But heart full of joy
Stick to the script
This is the one shot everyone is seeking for
Conquering Fears
He understand nothing last FOREVER
The Phenix has risen
Peace & Love
Song that inspired me to write thing poem: Kanye West “Power”, Jay-z “ What more can I Say”
238,855
They ask how much do you love her
Ask how much do you want her
To the moon and back I tell them
How many miles will you run
How many steps will you take
To the moon and back
When I was hurt it took me so long to get back
To myself
So many miles
So many fake smiles
Through the fire
When I was slippin
Like no traction on my tires
I thought of you
Now I have you
I’m so happy I don’t have to be a liar
See I want to travel the world
See the pyramids
Swim with dolphins
And when we done with that
Travel 238,855
To the MOON and BACK
Peace & Love
Song that inspired the poem: David Bowie “Moonage Daydream”
Gracefully Broken
Life changing drastically
And looking in the past, it seems
the trauma that’s attached to me
Has turned me to the “Bag Lady” I never meant to be
Holding on to the image of me others molded
Not able to keep up so I am scolding
Myself continuously
Tracking my progress comparing it to everyone around me
Wondering what I’m doing wrong because nothing seems to be going right
Beating myself up crying every night
Holding on to every bit of fight
Left in me, that’s all that’s left in me
Attempting everything in my power to bring back that light
That used to shine so bright
No matter the ideas of others, oh
No matter the plight
Instead of holding my mirror next to theirs
Never getting a reflection that’s clear
A need to change direction
Reflect my mirror on what I’m facing
Self doubt, fears, disappointment, heartbreak, displacing
Slowly chipping away at the problems I put in my way
That keep me from reaching my dreams
Blaming everyone else instead of the one that needs to be
And no, this is not a negative thing
Finally realizing that I’m the one to blame
Now able to move forward with grace to make a change
So now she walks with her head held high
Letting the words of hate and shame from others fly by
Because she realizes they aren’t me
What’s meant for them ain’t meant for me
My blessings will never be their blessings
Because this is my life and my lessons
Take advantage of the challenges God has placed on my path
Cuz I know the down times will never last
Cuz the sun will shine again
Her smile will return from a grin
And with the support of her loved ones
With the strength of God within
Strutting Gracefully in her brokenness
Is where her healing begins
“I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I that live, but Christ liveth in me: and that life which I now live in the flesh I live in faith, the faith which is in the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself up for me.”
Galatians 2:20 ASV
Unbothered
Open and exposed
Cuz she has bruises on her ego
Got people talkin
Wondering where she go
Rats got all ears in
Everybody think they know
Her reaction to them scratchin
Got the all diggin in
Wonderin where she’s been
Did she creep with her
Did she creep with him
Not enough to talk about in a day
So they indulge themselves in her sins
Committing one within
But pay that no never mind
Cuz she’ll be fine
Have God as her right hand man
See, she has the power of him within
She need not move, not disturb her peace
Give it all to God and he’ll fall at your feet
Romans 12:19
AVENGE NOT YOURSELVES, BELOVED, BUT GIVE PLACE UNTO THE WRATH OF GOD: FOR WRITTEN, VENGEANCE BELONGETH UNTO ME; I WILL
Last night I cried by myself
Lately I have been on this high of happiness. No matter the energy people bring around me I have been smiling and simply in awe. I am now 35 and I am blessed to have survived. But last night I was speaking to my sister about our fathers health. We are getting to that age where we are going to lose people we love. People who once were our heroes. My father was mine for the first ten years of my life. Even though he beat me for no reason. I understand now it's because of his past trauma. I wish my father would have gone to therapy. To cleanse himself from the pain of his losses. Growing up my father was everything to me and my sister. For the first ten years of my life I barely saw my mom because she was working. My father was the stay at home parent and he was great. He would play sports with us and make sure we kept up with our school work. After the split, I started seeing a different person in my father; the drunk and belligerent father. But I still kept loving him. Not knowing, this is not a phase… this will be his crutch for the rest of his life. Things are not going well? Drink. Thinking about the past? Drink. Blaming himself because of his parents flaws? Drink. As a concerned son I wanted to help but he didn’t want any parts of it. He got aggressive and rude with me at 12. When I was 13 he accused me of something I will not recover from for years to come. At 13 my eyes turned red and I sought revenge. I wanted him to hurt like he hurt me. This time it wasn’t physical. It was emotional. He emotionally fucked me up at 13. For the first time he wasn’t my hero any longer. I was lost. My grades in school dwindled. My mom wasn’t the most stable parent at the time. So me and my sister were on our own.
Fast forward to the present time, after speaking to my sister I started to think, damn, do I regret not trying to have a relationship with my father? I gave up when I was 14, when it was evident he wasn’t going to apologize. I have lost so much time. Lost time in pain, tears and anger. I would see him here and there. I would give him my new number. He will call me drunk and he will tell me things that were deflating me. Tearing me apart. I just wanted an apology. Instead, he would try to make me feel bad for not reaching out to him. He will say “I know you don’t love me anymore”. That’s the type of shit I didn’t want to hear. I realized after I went to therapy and found my way through these dark clouds I cannot be around people who don’t practice accountability or lack self awareness. I realized my power. Just leave it alone. Some people do not change. For whatever it’s worth just love them from afar. But this is my father. I wish my kids had a relationship with him. Called him papa. I wish he could give me advice. I wish he would put the bottle of liquor down and love himself… wish he saw his self worth. I wish he could tell me about his past, but we have to stay in reality. I thought about all of this last night… so yeah, I cried by myself.
I’m so obsessed with being a great father. It isn't because of what he didn’t do, it’s because I want to. My WILL to be there for my kids. My WILL to not drink myself to be a belligerent asshole. My WILL to get the job done.
Peace & Love
Songs that inspired this rant: Jay-z “Where have you been”, Beanie Sigel “ Still got love for you”, Kendrick Lamar “Alright”
Dedicated to my kids. My sister Sally, love our talks. Love you.
I don’t like red anymore, I like blue, I love blue now
Because it reminds me of the opposite of you
Everything I shouldn’t accept
Everything I shouldn’t do
The mistakes I need to avoid because they led me to you
And yea it was fun while it lasted
Until things got drastic and I didn’t know where to go
Because who you were all along was starting to show
You told me you would never change but I would.
Warned me from the beginning that I would never be the same
Made me almost lose my fucking mind and I’m the one to blame
Threatened my life
Called me names
Provoked me to get a knife
But that evoked no shame
But now you don’t come around
Because you love your life
But when mine was being played with you loved that, right?
“STOP FUCKING PLAYING WITH ME”
“WHY DID YOU JUST MUSH ME”
“DON’T RAISE YOUR FUCKING HAND AT ME”
Cause you could see the fear in my eyes
You could hear the fright in my voice
But you couldn’t feel the rage inside
Or notice that the right to survive is my choice
Cause you’re only gonna make me feel small but for so long
Not going to continue to take advantage of my anxieties and use them against me
Now, Only have one time to make me feel like I’m doing the wrong
Cuz I’m not about to keep singing the same ole song
It started off right then everything went wrong
Cuz them red flags all along
Inside crying for affection and attention
While all he had was I’ll intentions
Never meant to make me feel strong
Deplete all of my energy and use it as his own
But it’s ok now, I’ve learned my lesson
Won’t look at red the same, but damn this was a blessing
The Fifth Element
She has a perfect smile
She’s my high when I’m low
She’s my everything
Future and all
Perfect in every way
The laugh
Even when she is mad
Red when she feels humility
Blue when I kiss her
Gray when I leave her
She says she needs me
She doesn’t beg for attention
She just exist around me
In me
So fluent with love
So easy to love back
Easy
Like breathing
Want to share everything with her
The FIRE of love
WATER her soul
fly through the WIND
till our souls is release from the EARTH
They say no human is perfect, But
When I look into her eyes
She is the SUPREME being
Peace and Love
Songs that inspired me : Method Man ft Mary J Blige “All I need”, Drake “Yebba’s Heartbreak”
Gear shift, full power!
More aware of what's going on here
Shifting my focus to accepting things for what they are
Instead of holding on to how it appears
Say all the material shit is trivial and you do care
Say if I mess with you I don't have standards, cause that's not what real women do
But when I leave and stick up for me
This is the only place you want to be
"How could you hurt me bitch"
Shifting the focus on my desires
No longer changing me just for you to see
How much light is in my soul cause you just take it away from me
Can now decipher the signs so I'm not blind
Can't let you have control over the state of my mind
Taking back my power
Taking back my time
Can't respect me while I'm growing
Invest in you? I'm fine
I'll just change lanes and go my own way
I'll keep going up, and you can go that way.
I NEED SPACE
I'm like the moon
whole
no matter what phase I'm in
so don't feel the obligation
to complete me
because you can only see
a piece of me
and assume I'm missing something
how audacious
I can't take this
self medicated
I get so high I levitate
I space out literally
unaffected by gravity
yet others find themselves
gravitate towards me
I'm so above the deception
and people's projections
That makes me question
my own self worth
I'm a rare commodity
I'm only an oddity
in the wrong company
of the wannabes
and the basic
the fake and
those threatened by elevation
enlightenment
was never meant
for the complacent
I'm on a different wavelength
I'm not giving my lessons
and conceptions
to those who'll waste it
copy and paste it
delete my name
and try to replace it
repeat my words
but could never relate
that is why I keep my distance
because I know the wicked intentions of friendly faces
Rise & Shine
What are you afraid of? Why wake up mad? Smile. You get to see more. You get to breathe. You get to live. Forget the Moon. Let the sun rays nourish us. Smiling can be our addiction. Deal with your past. Or leave it there. Life full of up and downs.The up is what make the memories. Don’t be so down on yourself. We are imperfect. Except your smile. Don’t waste it.
Peace and Love
Song that inspired me: Drake ”Champagne Poetry”, Hans Zimmer “Interstellar Medley”
Hanging up my Jersey
Think I’m doing what’s best for me
Think I’m making the right decision
Think I know what my heart needs
Think that time would help the healing
Thought you’d always be here
Thought you’d never leave
Thought that by picking me the tears would disappear
Hoping one day you’d come back to me
But a lie is what you told
Wanted to see where I’d rather go
What I pick myself and be bold
Or hold on to the thought of love and not know where to go
I guess I can’t blame anyone but myself
For not showing what my heart desires
Too stuck on pride to give him his flowers
But now that I’m aware
I know the path to take
The one that is alone
So self love can come to play
Cuz if you don’t know yourself
You can’t love someone else
Sometimes you just need to put yourself on the shelf