Yet Again
Your presence brings on
these consistent palpitations
that have my heart rate elevated,
like reverse fireworks in my chest—
tiny implosions,
still with detonation and all the burn and heat.
They leave me smoke-asphyxiated.
I'm disoriented,
but still aware enough
to know what I'm up against.
I can attempt to say no,
but it will always come out yes,
so I concede with weak knees.
How am I supposed to navigate
my common sense
when I've lost my head?
And how could I ever stand my ground
when I can't feel my legs?
Take it lying down, as they say—
both metaphorically
and literally.
How Sad
I live the type of life
where my back stays ripe for a knife—
like I leave myself open,
hoping I’ll only receive
what I give.
But alas,
I get backstabbed.
My capacity for blind love
is by far my biggest weakness.
I only seen him
for the potential he had,
instead of the capabilities
he lacks.
Beyond the facade,
I swore there was a masterpiece—
a god
I wanted to set free.
A silenced soul,
playing a role,
setting life goals
based on
whatever trends today.
But I cannot release
what is willingly caged.
I see him there,
in all his glory—
choosing the cell
over the key,
eyes open
but fast asleep.
Interruption
Copious amounts of doubt,
consecutive wreckage,
and a high percentage of
history repeating itself
have me on edge—
hesitating,
evading
whether I’d ever do it again.
And every time I try—
you step back in.
Is it deliberate?
You see that I’m happy without you
and have to ruin it.
You know that I still love you
and have to rub it in—
remind me that you’re not him.
So treacherous.
The way you interrupt—
show up just long enough
to make me lose interest,
to make me put up a wall.
Everything that once charmed me
now alarms me
because he's nothing like you—
at all.
Amidst the Miss
I’m going to miss missing you
I don’t know if that’s something I should admit
that I’m going to miss being hurt on a constant basis
I’m such a masochist
but I can’t help it
I’d rather have felt it than not
But I guess
there’s more to it
I’ll miss reading into everything you say
far more than I should
hoping it had a deeper meaning
and said something about how you feel about me
I’ll miss overanalyzing everything you do
staying up all night with it
picking apart how I might have put you off
I’ll miss wondering what I did
and over-criticizing my flaws
I’ll miss having to deny
that you not being mine
bothers me
and that I've never been a priority
I'm simply how you pass your free time
I’ll miss being monogamous
to a relationship that doesn’t exist
The Far Side
I’m learning what it is to function
on the far side of loving you—
not over you,
but far enough forward
to pretend I am.
Far enough that you don’t
absorb every thought,
that I stop measuring
everyone else
against your presence.
And if you can’t be mine,
then I have to learn
how to choose someone who is.
I try.
And even when they fall short—
and they always do—
I bury that truth
somewhere quiet in me.
There are a few
who almost make it easy,
who briefly
hold my attention
I appreciate their true intentions.
They mean well, they do.
I’m gentler with them.
Less sharp around the edges.
It isn’t their fault
they aren’t you.
Slow Burn
Is my art conditioned
to consistent,
self-inflicted heartbreak?
Why does it feel
so masochistic—
if misery loves company,
it’s me, myself, and I.
Apathetic aesthetic,
gloom forever looming.
I let it take hold,
then call it creation—
like I have to ache,
have to be in pain
just to be poetic.
I purposefully choose
a losing battle I could never win.
It isn’t him I’ve learned.
You wouldn’t blame a fire
for putting your hand in it
and getting burned.
You’d have to hold yourself accountable—
and I do.
Although never aloud.
Instead, I write it down.
A Lump of Clay
I’m strong and independent.
I demand respect—
at least when I’m not in your presence.
But with you,
I’m anything but.
I’m wet clay
you can manipulate into any shape—
and you do.
Bending, blending,
molded and folded
to do whatever you say,
whatever you want.
And often, it’s nothing.
You leave me in a lump,
a slump,
balled up.
It’s hell.
Warp me because you can.
Distort me because you’re bored.
Idle hands are the tools of the devil—
and you work yours well.
One Million and One
There is no rehab for you
I struggle in silence
an internal violence
fighting off
the urge to circle back
I have no support
they all say the same thing
leave him alone
as if it were that easy
as if I could just be done
as if I haven’t tried
relentlessly
I’ve quit you a million times
and started back a million and one
You Know Better
I’ve ended things with us
so many times
I’ve lost count of the ways
I’ve tried to say goodbye
Words I’d say
that went in one ear
and out the other
Threats I made
to keep my space
but end up right beside you
Text message essays—
Like farewell letters
just to talk to you
the next day
I’ve literally said no
sat beside you
straight-faced
and spat it
but you knew better
and you challenged
whether I meant it
or if I was just
trying to convince myself
we both knew
it was the latter
I cannot unlove you
despite the effort
and you revel in that
and you take advantage
The Devil I Know
I don’t think I love you anymore
I just know what to expect
I’ve learned all the ways you’ll hurt me
and the ways you’ll come through—
or more likely, won’t
Better the devil you know
than the one you don’t
You’re a safe bet
Why do I let time define my treatment
as if years of history
are a convenient excuse
for accepting disrespect
I wouldn’t take
from someone I just met
It makes no sense
to endure
unnecessary torture
for a position I no longer fit
The penalty of familiarity
is complacency—
comfort in what I’m accustomed to
even when I’ve outgrown it
Attachment breeds stagnancy
I want to leave—
let your absence set me free
But the thought of life without you
is worse than the hurt
I’m used to
and manage impeccably
Here We Go Again
You are the epitome
of drinking poison to kill myself—
then building an immunity,
or worse, addiction.
As if I,
and everything I do,
is merely a testament
to the fact
that I will always choose you
over me.
Dizzied by it,
I circle back.
What you call victory
is my relapse.
A spinning,
perpetual impediment—
you gain worth,
I lose my mind.
Every time is the last time,
and I say it
with sincere sentiment.
And yet,
I always end up back here
against my better judgment.
“Mind Playing Tricks on Me”
What do you do When it seems like You did nothing wrong
Opened doors
Walked on the outside of the side walk
Pay for things
Buy her a ring
Treat her like a queen
But does it really mean anything
If mentally you struggle
To meet in the middle
For when you get weak
She abandons you
Only because staying plays with her mind
Does she stay for better or worse
At the sake of losing her mind
Is she simply wasting her time
What about the good things
Do they outweigh the bad
Trust is something you never had
Just an attachment that kills
Shot her with venom like a cobra
Is this love thing really over
Was it even love to begin with
An infatuation with this delusion of her you have in your head
Never really seen her for who she really is
Only who you wanted her to be
A mother to a wound you never planned on tending to
Just reopen it and let it bleed
Continuously
Never caring about how it’s affecting her
Your blood all on her shirt
Soaking in your demons
Constantly believing
“I love you”
“I want to grow old with you”
Without any trust
That’s what we do?
But she deserves it because she hurt you
So why stay
Why play this game
Keep you around long enough to learn you
So I can see how to hurt you
Break you to your core
Until you can’t take no more
Why we gotta play these mind games
Dinner For One
I don’t need to be wined and dined—
don’t mistake a meal
for access.
I’d rather be fed knowledge
than something plated
with expectation,
with obligation,
with entitlement.
I’ll pay my own—
if a paid bill
comes with assumptions,
implications
of what I’ll owe—
things I refuse to fulfill.
No—
I’m far too divine for that.
I’d rather eat alone.
No Trespassing
You tried to find me,
but I was never lost—
nor yours to find.
You joined me off path,
but I never walked
the crowded way back.
You were different there—
masked,
a stark contrast
to who you were
within,
with me.
Your magnificence,
hidden
beneath a persona,
was sad to witness.
So I denied you access.
And you blamed me
for everything—
because you could no longer
go back and fake it.
But you can’t reside
in two places at once.
You use mine for convenience,
disrupt my peace
just to gather enough energy
to return
to playing pretend.
Ironically,
you are more confined
out there—
where you call yourself free.
A caricature.
Offensive.
A distorted image.
A mockery.
Don’t fault me
for having boundaries.
I built fences.
You ignored the sign.
PRIVATE PROPERTY.
UNTIL THE END OF TIME
The first time we intertwined
It was as if fate brought us together
Yet unattached by God
To lead down different paths
Two totally different destinations
But as time went on
These paths
Would intertwine once again
So innocent how it began
Childlike giggles and smiles
Two friends mingled together
Been together ever since
To understand the silent cries of a heart
To craddle these emotions like you would a child
To nurture and grow feelings like a delicate rose
That’s the kind of love we bring
That’s the kind of love you show
Deliberately caress my curves
Hold me close until time runs out
Every gesture is an act of dedication
To a promise only two can attain
To make a pact
To never let the other fall
There to uplift you when your armor is weighing you down
Shielding one’s beating heart from punctures of
Betrayal, deceit, and pity
Placing my petals evenly on your mantel
Never forgetting how I shed these petals to leave you alone with a piece of me
A keepsake of my love
Keep me close in your prayers
Ask God to heal parts of me I won’t reveal
For I am aching in ways your gentle eyes couldn’t dream of
For if they were revealed
That childlike Innocence would escape your eyes
For some things are better left unsaid
But I speak to you in soliloquies
Praying you catch every hidden cry for comfort
As you hold me close until time runs out
Wake me with the softest kisses
Stare into my eyes as they flutter open like butterfly wings
Study me like you would a glass sculpture of a goddess rising out of water
Greet me with the nuanced touch from your gentle fingers
All over my body
Hold me close until time runs out
But time will never end for us
For our love is everlasting
Eternal
Is the notion that this love will never break
Nor bend nor shatter
For this love is plexiglass strong
Our love could never be steered wrong
For outside chatter never mattered
Hitting the acoustic panels of our ears
Never breaking us down
For this love could only be moved
Because of conflicting propositions
My peace being disturbed
My sanity taken through trials and tribulations
The sincerity of my love questioned and forsaken
But not this love
No
For this love is everlasting eternal
So hold me close until time runs out
“I’ll Wait for You”
Ill wait for you for
To be fully seen
To be accepted for who I am
A love that doesn’t leave me questioning
Is this the real thing
Or is it a sham
I’ll wait for you
To be held like it’s the last time
To kiss me
And tears fall from my face
You grab my hand
And Whisper to me gently “ I got you”
And truly mean it
I’ll wait for you
To arise from slumber without the wonder
Of if you’ll be there by my side
To let you wander freely
And not have to wonder why
The silent cries of my heart are heard loud and clear
Without ever having to escape my lips
Because you just get me
Were connected like Siamese twins
I’ll wait for you
When nights get lonely
And times are trying
I pray for a love that is never dying
A love I don’t have to fight for
A battle that doesn’t need to be won
Just two beings agreeing
To be there for one another
Like no other
When nights get lonely
And times are trying
We don’t seek love outside of this union
But make it our priority
I’ll wait for you
To be cared for
To not be an afterthought
When I cross your mind
A smile crosses your face
Give you a sensation you’d never want to replace
To show you I love you and respect you all in one place
To receive flowers on a random day
To show you thought about me
A gesture of your love for me
I’ll wait for you
When some nights seem longer than others
When I’m craving the love of another
When it’s seems like all hope is lost
I pray for a love that doesn’t cost
My sanity
My peace
My dignity
Praying one day we meet
So until we do
I’ll wait for you
Cariño
Who are you punishing?
If its not forever?
What’s the point?
As humans
Time is limited
Live till the cup is spilling
Fuck
One of your hugs can save me
In this cruel world
Full of bots
I know it’s a lot
Lately
Real souls
Hard to match
Through the smoke
Inhale
Exhale
This weed can make you choke
Lovers at heart
The risk is high
Rewards full of smiles
In the end
“Ese nene y nena”
Deserve each other
If You Love Something
You said you were damaged
and that you’d take advantage of me.
What I thought were excuses
were rooted in truth.
I realized you really do love me.
It hurt at first—
going from consistent
to distant.
I mourned you.
But you warned me.
And now I see:
you pushed me away
to save me
from everything
you’re putting her through.
You cared for me too much
to keep up the charade.
You spared me the heartbreak—
the loss of my integrity,
the locking of doors
to unlock phones,
the desperation of rifling through messages
just to be gaslit
by broken promises
about “last times,”
thin lines,
and loopholes.
You know she’ll forgive you.
And it’s only a matter of time
before you do it again.
Because you don’t really love her—
you keep her.
But when you love something,
you let it go.
And you set me free.
You said you couldn’t do that to me.
So she’ll suffer instead.