For Whom the Bell Tolls

I love to study people. I like to analyze people’s intentions behind their actions. You know how sometimes you sit there and think of all the bullshit you did and see why did you reacted a certain way? See growing up I had a lot of rage (due to certain issues I will mention in later blogs) and thought that raising my voice was the only way to get my points across. I notice the more I screamed, the less they heard the point. It got drowned by their anger of being yelled at. See my intention is pure gold. I want you to win at everything in life. But the one thing I won’t take is disrespect. I cannot allow someone to get away with it. That’s the only thing that triggers my anger now. I am in a peace state. Sometimes I tell my friends that I hate I am in this state of mindset because it seem like the spirits are constantly testing me. You know when you trying to do good but you are confronted with some bullshit. My intentions are good behind everything I do from family to friends, even associates. I want you to be a better person but not at the expense of others. With all that, I am promising myself that I am through with dealing with people who have not dealt with the trauma in their lives. I saw a counselor for a few years and spoke to someone about my past trauma. I made sure I am relieved from the burden. Its more than speaking to your spouse about childhood shit. People who do not deal with trauma often do not grow. “I’m grown” is a common thing they say, when in actuality you say something they don’t like and they explode and probably stop talking to you. You cannot grow if you cuddle with trauma. You have to confront it and then leave it. I struggle with this. Sometimes it comes from your own family and because blood is “supposed” to be what matters most, it will hurt the most. Bottling the pain is not good for you or your soul. You will become distant and bitter. The human experience is supposed to be a social thing. Laugh and love one another. Talk to someone. It won’t make you weak but it will make you stronger. When you are mentally drained; reset… meditate. If someone hurt you, look at the intention behind it. If you really think someone is hurting you so they can prop themselves up leave them. Leave. That word is so powerful because it signifies the beginning of your peace. Your world doesn’t have to be a broken glass — it’s half full and don’t let anyone knock it out of your hand. I am not saying don’t feel but yes, feel the pain and move on. You don’t have to explain yourself to anyone when your intentions are pure gold. I am not a saint, but I am a caring father, husband, brother, and son. So far in my 33 years, I have been wrong in many moons but I also have been right under the sun. I have over reacted but if you really look at people intentions I reacted reasonably. I am done apologizing for shit I didn’t push myself to. My reaction is to people’s inability to see their own shit. Stay away from people that can keep the person(s) who traumatize(d) them closer than the person trying to pull them out of it. If you sit here and say to yourself, “I didn’t do ANYTHING wrong”. You might be the problem. Look in the mirror and see who you are. I know it’s corny but if you don’t know yourself you will damage everyone around you. You will drain their energy. Take time on this beautiful Sunday and reflect. Reach out to that person you pushed away when they tried to help and tell them “sorry, I miss you”. Be a great HUMAN. There is nothing wrong in being wrong. It the best feeling is when you can own it and grow from it.

Peace and Love