Last night I cried by myself

Lately I have been on this high of happiness. No matter the energy people bring around me I have been smiling and simply in awe. I am now 35 and I am blessed to have survived. But last night I was speaking to my sister about our fathers health. We are getting to that age where we are going to lose people we love. People who once were our heroes. My father was mine for the first ten years of my life. Even though he beat me for no reason. I understand now it's because of his past trauma. I wish my father would have gone to therapy. To cleanse himself from the pain of his losses. Growing up my father was everything to me and my sister. For the first ten years of my life I barely saw my mom because she was working. My father was the stay at home parent and he was great. He would play sports with us and make sure we kept up with our school work. After the split, I started seeing a different person in my father; the drunk and belligerent father. But I still kept loving him. Not knowing, this is not a phase… this will be his crutch for the rest of his life. Things are not going well? Drink. Thinking about the past? Drink. Blaming himself because of his parents flaws? Drink. As a concerned son I wanted to help but he didn’t want any parts of it. He got aggressive and rude with me at 12. When I was 13 he accused me of something I will not recover from for years to come. At 13 my eyes turned red and I sought revenge. I wanted him to hurt like he hurt me. This time it wasn’t physical. It was emotional. He emotionally fucked me up at 13. For the first time he wasn’t my hero any longer. I was lost. My grades in school dwindled. My mom wasn’t the most stable parent at the time. So me and my sister were on our own.

  Fast forward to the present time, after speaking to my sister I started to think, damn, do I regret not trying to have a relationship with my father? I gave up when I was 14, when it was evident he wasn’t going to apologize. I have lost so much time. Lost time in pain, tears and anger. I would see him here and there. I would give him my new number. He will call me drunk and he will tell me things that were deflating me. Tearing me apart. I just wanted an apology. Instead, he would try to make me feel bad for not reaching out to him. He will say “I know you don’t love me anymore”. That’s the type of shit I didn’t want to hear. I realized after I went to therapy and found my way through these dark clouds I cannot be around people who don’t practice accountability or lack self awareness. I realized my power. Just leave it alone. Some people do not change. For whatever it’s worth just love them from afar. But this is my father. I wish my kids had a relationship with him. Called him papa. I wish he could give me advice. I wish he would put the bottle of liquor down and love himself… wish he saw his self worth. I wish he could tell me about his past, but we have to stay in reality. I thought about all of this last night… so yeah, I cried by myself.

I’m so obsessed with being a great father. It isn't because of what he didn’t do, it’s because I want to. My WILL to be there for my kids. My WILL to not drink myself to be a belligerent asshole. My WILL to get the job done.

Peace & Love

Songs that inspired this rant: Jay-z “Where have you been”, Beanie Sigel “ Still got love for you”, Kendrick Lamar “Alright”

Dedicated to my kids. My sister Sally, love our talks. Love you.