When putting on your CROWN

“Heavy is the head that chose to wear the crown” Decisions. Choices. Peace.

“Changing the Narrative”

Am I selfish for worrying about my problems?

Just because everyone got em?

While I’m facing mine, you’re facing yours

But if you take a glimpse and see me drowning 

Would you pull me to shore? 

Or it don’t really matter because 

Those problems aren’t yours? 

If you call me your friend 

And you hear people talk about me

Would you defend my character to them? 

Or muzzle your mouth to save yourself

Because our bond is too embarrassing to be known by anyone else

If you say you love me to my face 

But when your homies make an I’ll comment

Now in your mouth there’s this bad taste

Would you let love roll off your tongue then?

Or are opinions of others a roadblock 

To expressing how love locked you truly are

Or now it means nothing because you never showed me

All of your scars

When you’re around me I see a shining star

Even when you’re not in my presence 

And your name rings bells

Love and adoration for you is the first thing I yell

But behind closed doors my name is something you don’t defend 

Foe behind my back yet you still call me friend 

But I don’t judge you 

Because this used to be me 

Seeing everyone’s problems 

Except for when I look in the mirror

Because I’m All That in publics eye

But deep inside I’m aching

Judging myself more than anyone else because I’m breaking 

So I fake it til I make it 

Cuz I know I have flaws too

But just because I have them 

I should flaunt them too you?

Because that makes me human 

And hiding them generates hurt

But now that everyone knows them 

Embracing them hurts you worse 

Cuz how can she walk around with so much confidence

A smile on her face and no one’s knocking it 

Until she met me and I turned it all around 

Read you a list of all your flaws 

Now I’m the one looking down 

Because you don’t know your worth 

And I know your heart is aching

So I take advantage of your soft shell 

And tell everyone else you’re faking 

Because they trust my word more

So you’re word is mistaken 

For an insecure girl who’s never gonna make it 

The Playmaker

Im better when its me against the odds. With my ancestors watching. I can hear them cheering for me. Open your third eye. We are here to win. Don’t like the defense? Audible. Losing is not an option. Those L’s are lessons. When you doubt me. It fuels me. Fuels me to keep pushing. The hustle doesn’t stop. Understanding rain doesn’t last forever. When the clouds are clear. Fly again.

Peace & Love

Song that inspired me: Kanye West ft Andre 3000 “Life of the Party”, Kendrick Lamar “The Heart pt 2 “

“Deep Abyss”

Finally looking up 

After looking down on herself for so long

Never accepting her wrongs 

Stuck in her abyss of trauma 

Anchored, holding on 

Didn’t want attention 

Never wanted fame 

Just to tread in her head in Lonelyville

Wondering why no one wants to stay here 

They could see her silver lining 

She just seen the storm 

Embracing the rain 

Ignoring the fact 

It won’t be this way forever 

But now she’s soaked in drama 

Beat down by trauma

Radiating her blackness onto everything she touches

Deep down all she really needs is love 

Love from self and no one else 

Accept her worst

That’s when she becomes her best

Look to the light and ignore the rest 

Strip her soul of regrets

Strip her mind of shoulda coulda woulda’s 

Strip her spirit of darkness

Gracefully rise into her light 

Never turning back to sulk in the night 

Purple Hearts

It’s not for the weak. Be brave. Be proud. Don’t be afraid to LOVE.

Peace & Love

Standing Ovation

Stand up. You made it to your other chapter. Memories taught us death is certain. Why be afraid? The pain will be over. Don’t cry about the scars. Forgive yourself for mistakes. Lessons of the past are blessings. Take risk. There is no reason to be afraid. No limits. All of this is a facade. An experiment not to be taken with fear. Do not cry at my funeral. Smile. Celebrate.

R.I.P Neftali Morales

“Goodbye
To all the love ones I leave behind
At least they cant see me cry”

Peace & Love

Songs that brought back memories of a friend: Rick Ross “Tears of Joy”, Frank Ocean “Pretty Sweet”, Mos Def “UMI Says”

“Cycles”

Don’t tell me I’m falling again

Letting your lies guide me down

That dark tunnel

Emotions going down a funnel

Funny how you’re never there to

Catch me when I’m done falling

Just promise after promise

With no follow through

Look at how I thought of you

Put so much trust in you

Trust in us, a facade a crush

And now I’m crushed

Forsaken and forgotten

Beautiful fruit turned rotten

So much has touched the surface

Penetrated cell deep

So deep can’t even sleep

Constantly wondering if you’re thinking

Of me, me? Of we?

Could it really never be

Why can’t I clean my eyes and let her see

The truth of this dead tree

Limbs falling

Nothing coming into fruition

Just damage and reminiscing

Yet you’re constantly calling

And it’s because I answer

Forever back door access

You’re like my cancer

No matter how bad I try to get rid of you

There’s always a slim chance I won’t be able to

Need some type of chemo

To get you off my neck

Stop you from coming back

Boundaries

Standards

A barrier, a wall

But you come full attack

Got your shield up but mine has a crack

The splits apart when you say

“I love you”

Tragic love predicated on your lies

"Ally"

Searching for a community

A place where I belong 

Cuz where I’ve been 

No longer feels like home 

Not welcomed, not accepted 

So why’d you stay so long? 

Thought by holding on 

It would make me strong 

But holding on to something 

That doesn’t belong

Is the dumbest thing to do 

She doesn’t want to be here

And he doesn’t belong to you 

Judging everyone else 

But you need guidance too

Thought you were the best you 

A perfect perfectionist 

But you still got work to do

Learn to embrace your flaws 

Because they belong to you 

You’ve made mistakes too

If you shared them and were vulnerable 

You’d realize that I’ve made them too

And even if I didn’t 

I still don’t think I’m better than you 

Center of the universe

You are the moon 

but I am the sun

what would you be 

if it wasn't for me 

a dark rock 

of shadowy gravity

pulling everything 

towards its sad mystery 

of nothingness

even when I'm unseen

in the night sky

you depend on my light 

to shine

your very image 

is quite possibly 

a privilege 

contingent on my existence

on my luminosity 

any attention you get 

any interest 

in you

is limited to 

my brightness

what makes you amazing 

is your phases 

and that's simply a reflection of my likeness

because I radiate

and you barely glow

I am sublime

and you are merely an echo

illumination is something you are incapable 

of producing on your own

I'm a complicated process

heated by incandescent nuclear fusion

and you are much less complex

an illusion 

of a gleam

basking in my essence

and mirroring back my beam

you are but a satellite 

caught in the orbit of everything that revolves around me

“Fire walk”

“Honey this ain’t no easy access”

So, now I got a point to prove; my right of passage

Not an artists until you can write something other than all that sad shit

See, give me an idea and I can portray it

Don’t use all the literary devices so they don’t get the message

Cuz a REAL artist don’t just write when they’re bored

Or when their heart is breaking cuz their situation-ships are unsure

So because I don’t write like you

Now, I got a point to prove

Because how are you a writer

But you ain’t never wrote no haiku

Can’t use an allegory cuz you ain’t never read the Bible

Don’t know iambic pentameter so how you a rapper?

Art not not just about writing what’s in your soul

But using your pen as a tool and taking control

But if you don’t start from passion

How do you really know?

Cuz I have talent, hidden deep within

Like the caterpillar that transformed to a butterfly after growing within

Was always destined to be a butterfly

Everyone could see it in her eyes

But cuz her mouth was to shy to open up and let her fly

She had to stay in her cocoon a little longer

Learn the lesson again, make her stronger

Cuz she don’t let the world tell her when she’s ready

Now her wings are the most beautiful thing she’s ever seen

And she earned it.

And that big lesson, I think she finally learned it.

Thoughts while driving

The reason people love superhero movies are because they are always conflicted. Fighting every day crimes but most of the time fighting within themselves. Either the pain of the fallen or the pain of your choices. It is hard to heal when your mind is always on someone or something else. That is why people overworked themselves or bury themselves with plans. The escape has to be worth it because at the end of the night when it is all quiet and you try to decompress, your mind reminds you what is real. This is why sometimes I can't sleep. Reflecting on what is real and what is fake. Those are my common dilemmas. The choices we sit with and the regrets I overthink about. But what do you do when you are tired? Tired of hurting people with your choices. We are taught to fight it. That is why in a dispute with someone the most disrespectful comment usually wins. “Don’t talk to me”, “I regret meeting you”, “Hope you disappear”. All hurtful but some words just pierce your heart differently. Someone told me “Rob You are Love”. I sat there confused. I asked them what they meant and they said “i never met a person who has been hurt so much and been betrayed but still had room in their heart to love”. I have been thinking about this so much lately. But lately I've been out of my character. Just reflecting. Believe me i am no angel. Lately i have been inconsiderate and selfish. This is not a self pity post. My decisions have led me to lose significant things. I just hope they are not beyond repair. But I guess that’s what life is about…letting go. If it comes back, treasure it. Now if it doesn’t. Can we live with the pain. I wish i didn’t care. Sometimes I envy the people who can just move on and not think of anything. Not feel anything. Not to miss any memory. I know we can’t satisfy everyone or every need. All we can do is take accountability. Guess that is part of the journey. Part of trying to get to your destination. I just hope we can get there safely.

“You’re sure to lose your mind if you never follow your heart”

Peace & Love

Songs that inspired me to rant while driving: Dom Kennedy “5.0 conversations”, Fabolous ft Trey Songs “Slow Down”, Fabolous “Riesling Rolling Papers”

Thanks to Veronica and Lito for the conversations

Connection Failed

I feel slighted

I confided

in vain

insane of me to have the same taste

and think something would change

what of it though

this urge to love

the unlovable

what compels me

to be drawn to the broken

the draining

the lost

perhaps to save them from themselves

but at what cost

they cannot afford the price of my peace

and now they're simply a piece

of my past

of my history

it is only a loss on their end

I don't make connections easily

but I've mastered the art of the disconnect

“Mile Long Milestones”

Standing on step two of her stairwell to destiny

Keeps looking back so she can’t see the steps she needs to see

Too focused on what’s behind her so she doesn’t realize how far she has to go

If she changed her direction and believed in herself then she would finally know

“Tap, tap, tap”

That’s the sound of her dreams knocking at her door

“Bum hoe, no common sense!”

That’s what she hears screaming from the floor

Falling deeper and deeper into what she’s supposed to let go of

Believing all of these things, and right now, maybe it is so

But she shouldn’t believe because that’s what self love is for

This is your push to elevate

Share your pain and see how many can relate

Never woulda thought vulnerability would be step three

But we can't let who we we’re in the past define what we

Taking those steps

Pulling every knife from her back

Cleaning the slate from the knives she’s put in the backs of others

Some will relate and stay

And a grudge is the only answer for some other brothers

So she takes the cake and walks away

Because this is the table she set

While still forever grateful

Because if it wasn't for those bad decisions

She wouldn’t be progressing to the next step

Thank you…

Thanks for the lessons. Thanks for the challenges. I will embrace them and conquer them all. Day by day. I will win. Thank you for every breath taken. Excited to climb the mountains. Get to the peak and touch the sky. Don’t be dramatic be romantic. Life is a bitch so stay charming. Keep pushing. Stay fly. Smell good. Stay true to yourself. Thanks. I found myself.

Peace & Love

Music that inspired gratitude: Drake “Get it together”, Rick Ross “Tears of Joy”

Accidentally on purpose

Good vibes

is just one way to say I love your energy

that I enjoy your company

the conversation is never lacking

not a single touch

but all those stolen glances

have me thinking of everything that could happen

just a hug

is a rush

blushed hot cheeks

you frighten me

but in the best way possible

so I do weird things

like put distance where it shouldn't be

afraid of my own actions

I give myself distractions

to avoid the intensity

of our chemistry

when realistically

it's exactly what I need

beneath the surface

accidentally on purpose

“Doing the Groundwork”

Been walking on my path for years

Now stuck at a stand still

Rotating in circles while surrounded

By doubts, anxiety, pride, and fears

Thought the mountain before this was the highest I had to climb

Now this one is even bigger so I’m trying to find

Any solution possible to not keep me behind

Can’t use the tools I used before

That’s the reason I’m stuck in this 360 still standing here

So instead of looking to the sky

At hopes, dreams, and wishes

I search deep within

Searching for light

Hunting for love

Rebuilding the strength within

Trusting I can find my way again

Head down, full weight on my pivot

Arms steady, ready for the take off

Tunnel vision, straight ahead

No obstacles, no ropes pulling my back

Can make me go against the grain

I still focus on sunshine even when there’s rain

Been held back from my future too long

Time for a full attack

Remembering to rest to reset get back on track

Cuz this time around things are different

Owe it to myself to make a difference

Come from humbled beginnings

So I now I work hard and smart until I reach my ending

Cuz no friend nor foe

Can drag me back to where I was before

Fighting harder than ever

To keep my foundation stronger than how it was long ago

“Mama mama, mentor”

Can see the look in her eyes

As she stares at me in adoration

Brings tears to my eyes how I inspire

Concentrating on my reflection

Lingering dark cloud that’s pressing

A issue I have inside, not against you.

How could I inspire anyone?

All these flaws, scars, facades, and masks

Do anything in the world to return to that innocence

Not a care in the world about trivial things the world brings now

Looked up to her, now you look up to me

And it’s breaking me down..

Always tell you be confident in yourself

But I don’t wear that crown

Still have rags of baggage sewn over my heart

Wondering why love can’t seem to find where to start

Would hate for you to feel this way!

So I sing you sweet lullabies of self-love, Independence and strength

Hoping your love for yourself

Will inspire me to do the same

Different age yet walking the same plane

Strutting in our truth

So to find mine Im helping you

God's Dream

Say this to yourself everyday.

IKNOWMYWORTH. IDESERVETOSUCEED. IAMENOUGH. Breathe. SMILE. THISISPARTOFTHEPROCESS.

Your vision will be tested. Daily. They cant fuck it up as long you believe in yourself. Prepare to rage against the machine. It wont be easy but it will be worth it. Wealth over rich.Don’t take anything personal. Be selfish.

Peace & Love

Music that inspired this feeling: Kanye West “Life of Pablo” Album, Nipsey Hussle “Ocean Views”

“Giving you your flowers now”

Looking at us now 

I’m proud of how far we’ve come 

Gone through many ups and downs

But I wouldn’t replace you with anyone 

A bond like no other 

Only we can understand 

Placing titles on each other

Like home girl and friend

Yet deep in our hearts we know it’s much deeper

Haven’t seen sis in months 

But I know she’s a keeper 

So when I’m feeling low 

She is who I run to 

When I’m proud of something I’ve done 

She’s the first person I call

When she has to vent about her man 

For the 5th time again 

She knows that she can call me 

When she just needs a drink with a friend 

“Bestfrieennddd just pull up on me”

Because she’s more than a friend

That’s like my sister  

So no matter how far apart

My heart will never leave her

"Warrior"

Marinating in this moment 

Taking it all in 

Being at my low is showing me 

Who I should call friend 

For some the love changes

Got distant and became strangers 

Others could hear my soul crying 

And did everything they could

To break me from my anchor

Won’t use them as a crutch

Or an excuse to hold on to trauma 

Appreciate their efforts 

So I let go of unnecessary drama

Hold them dear to my heart 

As I continue on my journey 

Never letting how long we’ve been apart 

Affect the fact you’ve always been there for me 

Because even when you’re not here 

I know the love is real

Can feel it in your energy when you speak to me

You always wanted me there 

Even with my scars and projections 

You’ve always been my protection