Situationshit

Am I to settle

for whatever this is?

But I’d rather have it

than nothing...

I guess.

I’ll pretend I’m fine with it —

while secretly wishing,

but never admitting,

biding my time

in silence,

fighting my instincts.

Luckily,

I’m so gifted

at dismissing

my emotions

as if they never existed

that he’ll never notice

the difference.

So I’ll hold it in.

Stay

It’s depressing,

wrestling my better judgment

and losing—

still refusing

to admit defeat

and call it what it is—

pointless.

Did I take you on

as a project,

thinking healing you

might distract me

from the fact

that I haven’t?

I neglect my own wreckage

by trying to fix yours—

or pretending to.

I’m not even sure

what it is anymore.

Am I drawn to someone

as jaded as you

because it feels like a challenge—

as if earning your affection

could prove something,

redeem something in some way—

but it’s seeming

a lot more demeaning

than anything.

And still,

I stay.

The Cost of Creation

I was never in love with you.

My fixation was not with you.

It wasn’t that I romanticized us —

it was intrigue.

I was entranced

by what

you unmasked

in me,

slowly,

then all at once.

The loveliness

in my chaos.

The artistry

in my insanity.

“There is no exquisite beauty

without some strangeness

in the proportion.”

I embraced my distortion

like a kaleidoscope —

fragmented, but beautiful.

Nothing feeds my poetry

like ache and desire,

and you provided both.

You dragged me

to pathetic emotional lows

that burst

into powerful poetic troves.

My creative veins overflowed —

but you wrung out my soul.

The writer in me

is grateful

for the material,

despite the cost.

I am masochistically artistic,

and you —

you are the cure

for my writer’s block.

Astronomical Consequence

How can I move forward

when you are a centripetal force

you pull me

in and off course

and I am absorbed

into your atmosphere

I brace for impact

as I crash land

but I am intact

always fine on your planet

It’s only when I’ve returned to mine

that I notice the cracks

Damnit

But I come back

for more of it

circle in your orbit

aimlessly I

take the same path

the perpetual cycle

hopelessly on standby

foolishly available

waiting on the next time

your occasional boredom

has you toss me a line

and reel me back

into your gravitational pull

Slowly then all at once

I am incapable of fighting it

I plummet

to your surface

and what’s worse is

I swear

you do it on purpose

solely to see if you can

That’s not right

I fall like my wings

were clipped mid-flight

but you don’t care

despite how sad of a sight it is

You won’t acknowledge

that you caused any damages

Just because I was fucked up

before you got here

doesn’t mean

you didn’t have a hand in it

Oops

Ain't no point in

trying to define

whatever we were

it's an enigma

I figure

for the bigger picture

inflict a pain

encourage change

or that's how I justify

my wasted time

Find the silver lining

the lesson

in feeling less than

the message

in the mess of

what happens

when I reacted

to emotions

I hadn't managed

silly me

I exposed

my soul

when you only

wanted my body

PAUL & CHANI

In the desert

Sand is the landscape

Sun showers us with vitamins

Our eyes are on each other

We stay in the present

No need to thirst

The saliva from your kiss

Is enough

I know the way we met wasn’t ideal

But you showed me the way

To LOVE

To survive

Now we can save each other

Even though

The outside look at you as the side

Some sort of distraction

Look into my eyes

You are in my center of my soul

Water that pumps through my Stillsuit

My moon that comforts me during sleep

The one who watches when the enemy creeps

Love how you MOTHER

Forget titles

Our names will forever be attached to one another

Evil whispers

They better run for cover

Just know who you are

My WORLD

Vindicated

Vindication is a few

pathetic

late night texts

from you

at 2 AM

after you've been drinking

thinking and reminiscing

and regret sets in

saying all the things

I wish you'd said

when I was willing

(or more accurately)

foolish enough to believe

and me up late

not responding

or reeling

but feeling

amused

and relieved

although slightly confused

attempting to conceive

how I found you appealing

in the first place

In the darkness

They say don't stay in the dark too long

But I tell them 

It's my finest work

So use to pain 

The numbness from rejections

When every inch it's a win 

Fuck gaining a follower

I want to see my kids win

Here 

"Step into your own footprints"

No matter the obstacles 

We overcome

Forget the days of being po

We go for the score 

Even when they move the goal post

Move different

Sometimes I am distant

Be careful

when you play in the dark

Miserable people love to pull you deeper

While you trying

Shed off “survivor mode”

Read the WORLD

Bitterness is in the aroma

Hate seeing happiness

Even if its in the BLACK VOID

So I levitate

Stay within my circle

Even when we celebrate

Songs playing in the background: JMSN “‘Bout it”, Big Sean “Nothing is Stopping You”, Mac Miller “Come Back to Earth”, Isaiah Rashad feat. Zacari & Kendrick Lamar “Wat’s Wrong”

It Goes Without Saying

invisibility makes you behave

ravenously anything and

everything to be seen

genuinely understood and

received until

eventually you lose yourself chasing

the impossible

you'll swallow pride in hopes

of not having squandered

unconditional love

Poetry Reluctancy

I don't even want to write anymore because everything

always comes back to him

I try to steer

clear

of that genre

and I hate

that I always end up here

producing

lines that fixate

on heart ache

as if I want to be reducing

my art to this

emotional roller coaster drama

I don't even want to write anymore

because it always circulates

around the debilitating

weight

of loving someone who can not reciprocate

someone who is incapable of love

or at least

incapable of loving me

I pick up a pen

to do anything

but think of him

and yet

it quickly

becomes just that

tear stained pages

with eloquently

worded phrases

that simply decorate

my suffering

Written down

are all the things I could never say

aloud

to him

or anyone

wasted ink

on crumbled pages

he infects every piece

I write

contagious

Foolishness

Fantasies of us were dangerous

overpowering my logic, an

oasis calling

laborous on a regular basis

it's strange, this urge to persist

searching for something that doesn't exist

hazardous pattern, overactive imagination

never worth the credit I gave it

evidently, my interest in you

seems to be what made you interesting

succinct

Delusional

I've never displayed such patience

as I have with you, let's face it, I put

myself on standby

and realized I was

doomed to

exist in this

loveless blurry

unfortunate

state of purgatory like

I'm stuck on wait between your

omnipotent imprisonment and

narcissistic complex I'm

all fucked up

love Stockholm syndrome

I've been so

dumb- a voluntary hostage

I know it's a coping mechanism

overcompensation for the emptiness

that comes with the lack of reciprocation

Masochistic

maybe I do this on purpose

as a feat of

strength like a challenge

or perhaps it builds

character, I refuse to admit

how it's an excuse, sad truth

is I love it

suffering suffuse

the worse it hurts, the more fulfilling

I'm aware I have issues because I

choose this willingly

Miss Brown Eyes

The way you look at me

it’s a feeling

Her eyes reflect the earth’s own crown.
Like caramel kissed by morning light,
They hold the day; they hold the night.
Soft amber pools where secrets lie,
A quiet strength that won't deny.
Through storms and calm, through joy and sighs,
The world transforms in brown-eyed skies.
No need for stars to light her face,
Her gaze, a calm and steady place.
A window to a boundless sea,
Where love and mystery both roam free.

Songs Playing in the background: NxWorries~Knxwledge~Anderson .Paak “Everybody Gets Down”, Leon Thomas “Vibes Don’t Lie”, The Isley Brothers “Between the sheets”, Frank Ocean“NovaCane”, Bad Bunny “Turista”, Fabolous~Trey Songs “Slow Down”, Elhae~Ambre“I Choose You”

Last SUMMER

Last summer without my true love felt like an endless stretch of quiet afternoons and hollow sunsets. The absence of their presence made every familiar place seem distant, as if the colors had faded and the air lacked warmth. Routine moments and the laughter that used to fill the days was replaced by a persistent ache. Despite the heat of the season, a lingering chill settled deep inside, reminding me that some spaces are only truly alive when filled with the person you hold dear.

Dedicate this to you:

Golden rays caress the skin,
Warmth that melts the world within,
Laughter floats on balmy air,
Secrets whispered everywhere.
Sandy beaches, tangled toes,
Sunset paints in fiery glows,
Hands entwined, hearts beat in time,
Summer love, a fleeting rhyme.
Fireflies dance in twilight's hush,
Twinkling stars in passion’s rush,
Moments caught in endless sun,
Two souls merge and become one.
But summer fades to autumn’s shade,
Yet in the heart, that love won’t fade,
A season’s flame, both bright and true,
Forever summer, me and you.

Music playing while I wrote this: Frank Ocean “Thinking of you”

CROWN

To my young QUEEN JAZZ,

“AND I WONDER, IF YOU KNOW WHAT IT MEANS”

To see you achieve

To see your growth

From Batgirl to Batwoman

Gotham wont be the same

But its your time to take flight

So proud to be your dad

We are proud to celebrate our daughter’s high school graduation, marking the successful completion of an important chapter in her life. Her hard work, dedication, and perseverance have led her to this milestone, and we look forward to watching her pursue new opportunities with the same passion and determination. Congratulations on this well-deserved achievement! No matter what, daddy will be here. I am one phone call away.

Peace and love

Music played while writing this blog: Kendrick Lamar “Man at the garden”, Kanye West “I wonder”, Kendrick Lamar “Money Trees”

“Sweet Baby Blue”

My Sweet Baby Blue

How could I ever give up on you

Not quite where others expect me to be

Seem to be

Giving up on me

Putting my dreams on the back burner

As if I could never return

As if this redirection isn’t a blessing but a burn

A burn to my hopes and wishes

How could I ever give that up

For something so small that could be taken away

Could always have another,

Sweet Baby Blue

But dreams don’t last forever

No, not like you do

In my mind

Or in my life

Which one would I rather choose

To hold my Sweet Baby Blue in my mind

Or hold my Sweet Baby Blue in my arms

A decision that has me askew

So I care for your maker

Seems like my first true love, again

How quickly Blue came to

Makes me wonder, Do I really know you

Give you all my heart

Like everything depended on it

Me, you, Blue

Everything depended on it

But in the end it feels like it’s all for nothing

Except Sweet Baby Blue

Because even though I can’t have your maker

I’ll never stop loving you

My Sweet Baby Blue

I can imagine your smile

How sweet and innocently so

How your laugh will echo through my heart

Like a cave with never ending songs

My Sweet Baby Blue

I can’t wait to hold you close

Smell your scent that says I’m finally here

As you bring me tears of joy

YOU.ME.ours

You ever meet a person

who can see into your soul?

Who knows when your mind is racing and when you start to lose control

Who by looking into your eyes makes you feel at ease

Who doesn't say a word yet reminds you to just breathe

Who recognizes your anxieties

all your highs and lows

Someone who just gets you and

through their eyes it shows

Who's touch calms your body

Whos smile calms your soul

Whos words calm your heart

And it gives you back

STAND UP

The time is now. The world is crumbling. It’s now or FOREVER REGRETS.

Dior & Purple Haze

She spoke.

"Hug me until I smell like you. Love me till I smell like you. I'm not washing my shirt in the next cycle."

Dior & weed.

Hold my hand

Let’s be FREE

It’s time to FLEE

Match my aesthetic

save me from the “real world”

Be my medic.

Looking forward to

sunrises & sun sets

smoking with the sunroof open

Make the sky purple

Keep my shirt just for the fragrance

They say happiness comes from the inside. But your cup spills into my soul. So anytime you whisper “LOVEYOU” it can be so overwhelming. Lay your head on my shoulder while I puff. The smell of weed doesn’t bother. Especially when the cologne has you hypnotize. People are scared to be themselves. Scared to take the leap. Fuck them when they criticize. Let them die on that hill. See misery is difficult especially when it’s time to swallow that pill.

Wrote this listening to: Solange, Cleo Sol, David Bowie, The Beatles